Written @ 1:30pm November 12, 2013
Frustration: It is very hard to remain positive at this point in my cancer treatment. I am midway through round 5 of 6 chemotherapy sessions, and I am frustrated. I am tired of experiencing the numerous side effects of the chemo drugs and am done living in a constant merry go round of my 21-day chemo cycles. I am weary and fatigued and finding it hard to remember the endless energy I once had. Feeling normal, seems so far away, and yes, I am aware I am in the homestretch with only one more infusion to go, but this journey is far from over. I have been consumed with cancer since June, it has become a part of me, it has changed me both physically, and mentally. Ironically, I wanted the process to start, I welcomed the infusions as it meant it was killing any potential cancer I may have in my body. What I didn’t realize was how this process slowly strips you down, it makes you raw, weak, pale, sore, tender, emotional, helpless and simply frustrated.
I have to remember I chose willingly to undergo chemotherapy after my oncologist informed me of the statistics of cancer re-occurring when only taking Tamoxifen versus chemotherapy plus Tamoxifen. I have only once during this entire treatment process worried that I still had cancer in my body, and that was shortly after my mastectomy surgery. I admitted to my husband that I thought cancer had spread to my back due to the intense back pain I was experiencing. He reassured me it was simply muscle tightness from the surgery and from lack of mobility.
I now fundamentally believe that I do not have cancer in my body yet to the outside world (and to myself) I look so sick. I have no hair left on my body; my eyes are red, puffy and sore from dryness; my lips are red and chapped from a mouth infection; my bones ache; I have low energy, swollen hands, tender nails and am pale as a ghost. I have to keep reminding myself that this is not cancer I feel or see…this is the chemotherapy drugs, which are my insurance that I never have to go through this process again.